


Never Enough

by AltruisticSkittles



Series: The First Illuminated [4]
Category: Thomas Sanders
Genre: Gen, I feel like I should be sorry but I'm not, Roman's Backstory, angst for miles, cancer mentions, death mentions, implied cutting, inplied suicide attempt, lying, oh my, self depreciating thoughs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 10:24:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14767805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AltruisticSkittles/pseuds/AltruisticSkittles
Summary: He worked so hard. He always gave 100%. He dreamed big. Roman reached for the stars and all the trials and tribulations in the world wouldn’t stop him.But it was never enough.





	Never Enough

**Author's Note:**

> I swear I exist only to hurt y’all. Why do you like this stuff?
> 
> Anyway, have Roman's backstory. *throws whatever this is at you and runs away*

Gorgeous. Awe inspiring. Goals. Perfection carved into a human body.

These were just a few of the things Roman had been called his whole life.

From the day he got his soulmark people showered him in compliments. He was always the center of attention. Everyone wanted to trace the swirls and pictures surrounding his arms. Creative, imaginative, strong, the perfect prince charming. He wooed students of every grade.

Their praise was never enough.

Every night, he would rush home and share stories to his father, who would be trying to rest on the couch.

“I made a new friend today!”

“That’s nice, Roman.”

“Dad, you’ll never guess who-”

“Mmm, maybe later son. I have so much work.”

“I thought my soulmark glowed around Susie today, but she doesn’t have hers yet and her mom called her before I could check again. She’s so nice, I hope- dad, are you asleep?”

…

“Dad?”

Roman didn’t understand why his dad worked two jobs or why he went out every evening to return half awake and smelling like sour bread, but he knew he couldn’t stop. More like he wouldn’t stop.

Roman wondered if his mom would be proud of what his father became if she were still around.

What he did know was dad needed help around the house. So he rolled up his sleeves, scrubbed on his hands and knees, washed dishes until his fingers were raw, and kept the house well cleaned. It was the least he could do. His dad worked so hard. He would always smile at Roman after he finished a task, maybe not saying anything, but Roman could see the sentiment of his thanks. It was good enough for him.

His mom would be proud of him, most definitely.

He had to go tell her about today.

Roman parked his bike outside of the gate and put up the kickstand. He skipped over the cracks in the path and counted the stones. Five, six, seven-

Roman held the roses behind his back, a coy smile on his face.

“Hey, mom!” he called out. He walked through the grass to where his mother was. “Ta-da! I brought you flowers! They’re the color of Sam’s hair, and boy do I have a story to tell you.”

For two years, every Tuesday afternoon, he would bring his mother flowers. Usually the elderly woman who ran the flower shop at the end of town would give him a discount, especially when he mentioned they were for his mother.

“More kids should bring their mother flowers,” she would say. Roman agreed. His mother loved flowers.

Roman sat cross legged in front of her and traced her name with his fingers. He could feel her smile, her warm hug, her gentle voice telling him he was such a good boy, and she was so proud of him and what he’d become.

For two years, Roman wished he could have one last hug.

He sat and talked to his mother for hours. He told her of his fears, his ambitions, how he was still looking for that special someone.

She was the first one he told he dreamed of falling in love with a handsome prince and not a princess. She was the first one he told he dreamed his father would stop drinking. She was the first one he told when his father was rushed to the hospital with yellow skin, unresponsive, falling into a deadly sleep Roman dreamed he’d wake from.

His dreams were never enough.

Now he visited both his parents, both buried under the old willow not far from his house. No one should be orphaned at the age of fourteen.

Yet here he was.

Still, Roman felt like he had nothing to complain about. People still showered him with compliments. They cared about him, made sure he was okay, brought him gifts for a week straight. His aunt, bless her 49-year-old heart, took in her sister’s only son, even if she couldn’t afford to keep him and her three other children. He had a home, a loving family, and a soulmark to be proud of.

It should’ve been enough.

At least, that’s what his cousins said.

Roman could see his aunt struggling with the bills. He couldn’t understand why his father worked so hard when he was younger, but seeing the bags under his aunt’s eyes, how she counted every penny, how she’d skip out on seconds to make sure Roman got enough to eat, made his heart twist.

She was so kind. She didn’t deserve to suffer. He had to help, somehow.

And that’s when he figured he’d put his good luck in looks to use.

Roman pushed himself harder than ever before. He wanted to become rich so he could repay every good deed his aunt did for him. He took up a job after school. He enlisted in several soulmark pageants, winning six out of the seven, and used his prize money to save for college. He would become a famous actor and make sure his aunt lived comfortably for the rest of her life.

On top of that, he’d try out for every play his city hosted. He often got lead role, but he was understudy a few times, and sometimes he was just a minor character. He didn’t care. He was acting, and any kind of acting was good experience.

His specialty was singing. He loved putting on musicals more than anything. The rush he felt on stage, belting his baritone heart out, was unlike any other experience.

And when he wasn’t acting or working, he was designing sets, staying up late to make sure every costume was stitched and ready to go, and giving lessons to younger actors.

Roman was exhausted, but he still gave his all. He graduated in the top 25 in his class, earned a ten thousand dollar theater scholarship, and went to Juilliard in New York City.

His aunt was so proud. He’d write to her every night about his day, just as he did when he visited his mother. He missed her and his cousins. However, he reminded himself being on the other side of the country would pay off in the end. These lonely days would be worth it.

Roman would stare as couples of all shapes, gender, and sizes held each other and glowed in the night life lights. He would thirst for the milkshakes they shared, hunger for the touch of another person, and pray that his soulmate would show up with a song in their heart and a light to his life.

He wanted to be in the relationship of his dreams. Not adored, not fetished, not fawned over. He wanted someone to call his own, someone to rescue on lonely nights, someone to sweep off their feet. He wanted to slow dance at 3am in his pajamas, his soulmate close to his chest, as he ran his hands through their hair. He wanted to be loved for who he was, not what he looked like.

His ambitions were never enough to satisfy the empty ache in his heart.

Eventually, the curtains closed on his life at Juilliard, and Roman returned to his second home. He kept auditioning for shows at his local theater, drawing crowd after crowd, and basking in the theater’s glow.

He’d be lying if he said the meet and greets weren’t his favorite part now.

Roman would stand as close as he could to anyone, everyone, no matter who they were or what they looked like. He kept glancing at his arms, waiting for the light, waiting for a sign. Everyone said he was beautiful. Roman scoffed.

Their compliments were never enough.

He started to get desperate. Perhaps… perhaps his soulmate was platonic? Perhaps he was meant to fall for someone else?

He started dating those with platonic soulmates, those with fausmarks, and those that were Soulless, hoping to find the love of his dreams. They all adored him. They’d do anything he asked, draping themselves over his arms and wondering why such a wonderful person like him were giving them the time of day.

Every relationship ended the same. His partner would say he was destined for better than them, and they would walk out of his life forever. So much heartbreak. So many hours of sleep lost to tears. He may have been loved by the world, but his world never felt so empty.

At least it did, until he got his big break.

Roman nearly dropped the phone as a big time studio called him in for an audition. It was an action hero movie, one that would feature him as the lead, and be a musical to boot. This couldn’t be real! His mind spun with possibilities.

His cousins scoffed and said it’d never take off. Roman was determined to prove them wrong.

Their doubts were never enough to deter his spirit.

And prove them wrong he did. The movie was a huge success! At the young age of 24, Roman was one of the most well known rising stars in the nation. People lined up for miles to meet him. He met so many amazing people. Idols he had in his youth, congratulated him. Children looked to him to lead their way to success. He inspired so many, all who came from nothing, hoping to become something.

He was able to buy a new house for his aunt and support her. He showered her in gifts, repaid every meal, and promised she’d live a comfortable life until the rest of her days.

The doctors promised her that too when she was diagnosed with stage four cancer in the brain.

Roman swore he wouldn’t quit. He wouldn’t fail her. He was rich. Surely he could buy the best treatments out there. He could afford better doctors, better medicine, better everything. He’d save her, and she could be his princess he dreamed of rescuing all those years ago.

Unfortunately, he found out cancer didn’t care how rich you were. It took her three months after the diagnosis, her last words haunting him forever.

“You did enough for me.”

Funny, he didn’t feel like he did enough. Nothing he ever did was enough.

For a few months, Roman fell out of the acting spotlight. The movie’s producer sympathized and held off production to give Roman time to grieve, especially after watching Roman try to act. They could tell his heart was broken.

Roman still got invited to parties. He still stayed in the social spotlight. Despite the warmth and acceptance, he never felt so cold, so lonely, andso full of despair. Not when his parents passed; not when he got dumped for the first time. The only time it disappeared was when he was adored the way he hated all those years ago.

He turned to social media, pouring his heart out on poetry sites and writing to ease his soul. The hurt connected with so many people, and he felt a new swell of purpose hit him. Perhaps he could be an actor on paper instead of real life.

He remembered connecting with a really depressing writer, who wrote about losing most of his life as well. He dared to call him a friend. However, he eventually left too, leaving Roman with that deep pit of despair he grew too familiar with. He almost thought of ending it all there on his pages, slain by his own pen striking his wrist over and over, destroying that cursed mark that brought him all and no happiness.

Scribbling “not enough” in red ink all over his arms.

What a poetically dark way to go.

And that’s when he got the first message.

It was from the son of his childhood idol. They thought they saw Roman’s soulmark flicker while at their father’s movie premiere, and they wanted to confirm it were true.

Roman’s heart fluttered. Suddenly, his dreams were all the more possible. He remembered how he ran to him, how he bought the biggest bouquet of roses he could find, how he held his excitement in as their mother opened the door.

Only to have his hope extinguished. His scars may have disfigured his soulmark, but the parts intact were dull as a rock.

It was all a lie to meet him.

Roman resembled a used handkerchief. What hurt the most was it wasn’t the last. More messages like that rolled in, each claiming they saw a glow and wanting to meet him. Some came from kids who were only teens, well under 10 years and obviously written by a parent. It twisted in his gut like a knife.

No more. His heart couldn’t take it anymore. He was so fragile. If you blew on him he’d shatter to a million pieces, and no one would ever be able to put him back together again.

Following the advice of a coworker, he got a golden retriever. It was the closest thing to a soulmate he was sure he’d get. Perhaps Maximus was his soulmate, he joked at late nights as he held that golden fur to his chest.

At least Maximus loved him for who he was.

He was never enough for anyone else.

**Author's Note:**

> For more on the Illuminated universe, check out my Tumblr @altruistic-skittles


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